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Did I Say That?

"How could it be that you get diagnosed with ADHD at 42 years old?"

Good question. Maybe at some point in the future, this disorder will be called something else because it's hard to believe what's happening to me is the same illness that hyper little boys experience. We may both be suffering through executive function misfirings, but the symptoms are so different. As far as I can see, though, the treatment is the same. So, maybe that's all that matters.

After Wylie was born, I had a setback in my career because I couldn't make my brain do the job. There were large documents full of medical terminology and my brain didn't want to slow down and concentrate on all those words. I drank as much coffee as I could to keep each protocol from spilling into the next, each chart color coded, and each patient distinguished from the other. I had such a hard time that I went back to my old therapist to ask if I could get neuropsych testing. She asked me, "How old are you?" and proceeded to present a narrative where I had typical mid-life forgetfulness, "baby brain" that all mom experience, and depression that makes everybody's minds a little foggy. The problem with that story is that there's no solid resolution to my concerns. It's more of a wait-it-out and suck-it-up diagnosis. 

My psychiatrist had only known me a short time and was still working on her diagnosis of my mental state. She didn't know me before Wylie. She heard my halting, forgotten descriptions and disjointed stories. She thought it was God's cruel joke that people with ADHD have anxiety, as well. 

When I think back over my life, it's been hard to find the ways in which this disorder has affected me. I left a cult, I went to college, I've been the organizing force in every single one of my relationships and jobs. But, then I also remember the times my sister quoted me something that I'd said the day before, and I'd have no memory of saying it. In college, there were classes I had to take twice because I couldn't get through the reading material. So, the memory and concentration issues were there. And then there's the fact that I've moved twice, across country, knowing no one, having no job, and very little money. If my gut tells me, "Go!", I've felt compelled to leap off the cliff. That probably speaks of impulsivity and lack of ability to plan.

Today is my second day on my third ADHD medication. Fingers crossed that it's not just early onset Alzheimer's.




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